Pen trivia

I have on my desk a stubby holder. Stubby holders, for those of you who don't know, are little neoprene vests to put beer cans in so that the warmth of your hand doesn't heat up the delicious chilled beverage you are holding.

Stubby holders are also good for putting pens in. Mine has about 30 billion biros in it. My problem is that approximately 0.3 pens actually work.

"How can 0.3 of a pen work?" I hear you ask. Well, most pens don't work at all. The one special pen, doesn't work then seems to respond to the desperate scribbling on the back of an old envelope, raises your hopes up high, and then refuses to write when you actually try to use it for anything.

Thus, technically, the pen works. For all practical purposes it is useless however.

The only way I cope with the futile search for a working biro is to try and view it as a Zen exercise in patience. I also get further opportunity to practice my self control when arguing with bank tellers about why I have had to write a cheque out in orange crayon.

One day I will have a Stalinesque purge of my stubby holders and all the bad pens will be cast out, never to return. One day...........

Maslow

When I was eight years old, I got shipped off to boarding school, where I remained, with time off for good behaviour and holidays, until I was nearly 18.

One of the byproducts of this is that, when asked what material goods make me happy, I answer with the following.

A fridge full of food
Fluffy towels and clean bed linen
Being warm enough
Nice carpet on the floor (UK only, not for hot countries).

All of the above were conspicuous by their absence at my school. For instance we had a drying room, a room full of hot pipes going back and forth across the walls with slatted shelves. Its purpose, to dry things out. Usually it was full of unwashed and muddy rugby kit (smelly bag of washing only taken away once a week, don'tchaknow). The smell was appalling but we loved it in there as it was a break from the unrelenting cold.

When questioned about non-material things, I always come up with "absence of physical persecution". There is nothing like being woken from a deep sleep by being dragged out of your bed to make you yearn for a room you don't have to share with 10 other boys.

So, as we can see, we are beginning to lurch slowly up Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

There were, of course, many positives about my boarding schools. I gained a reasonable education, met some fine people (some of whom are still my friends), had access to some very interesting and educational magazines not available in shops in the UK (thanks to all the boys who took school holidays with their families in Germany) and had the use of excellent sports facilities.

Oh, and I also feel that people who have been to boarding school should hold up much better if, for whatever reason, they get sent to prison.